For one reason or the other I felt, two nights ago on my way home, an apprehension I know well from times past. My heart sank a bit and I thought to myself that I wished I did not have to go home with him which was quickly followed by a louder thought reminding me that no one lives at my home but me. It has been a long, long time since I felt that quiet dread of coming home with him there and not one of the times was there an actual him. I did not feel afraid. I felt a heaviness and hopelessness. Every time I have thought that thought I have also felt a sense of inevitability. A sense of destiny not my own, never my own. Twice in the past week I have heard a light knocking on my front door. No one is there or within view. I have fallen once and cut a small vein on my heel that bled profusely
I don’t understand nor do I welcome the return of this kind of mystery in my life. I conclude that something has disturbed the ptsd I have remaining. I cannot think of what could have happened. Once commonplace these moments are rare in my life now. Writing has helped me place myself in the here and now. I will pray and ask the Holy Spirit if this time is for me or someone else. I shall ask for wisdom and thank Him for His protecting me from harm. I don’t have to chase every thread or solve each mystery. I will rest well tonight.
